Avoidance.
I can be pretty good at that sometimes.
I’ve been avoiding this blog because no matter what I seem to do these days, I keep losing and gaining the same 2 pounds week after week. It’s embarrassing. I read Facebook posts of friends who are obese like myself and I see them posting “I’ve lost 40lbs since December!” and it makes me feel like a complete failure. I’ve lost 17lbs since August 2011.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
My goal from the start was to make changes that I could keep with me for the rest of my life. I’ve done Weight Watchers – and did lose 25lbs. with them – but that is a system that I felt was not for a lifetime. I don’t want to keep paying $40 a month for the rest of my life for a weight loss plan. I don’t want a plan – I just want to eat.
I feel that I need to be the one to call the shots on how to eat and live healthfully, because if I leave it up to someone else to call the shots, I’ll end up falling off their wagon, and there will always be someone else to blame. I want to take full responsibility for my weight loss success and failures.
I am currently stuck in an awful rut. Are there any of you out there, who when they can’t make a decision about what to eat, just don’t eat anything at all? That’s been me this week.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I felt like having Thanksgiving dinner this past week. So on Sunday I fixed a turkey breast, mashed taters, corn, gravy, stuffing, broccoli-rice-cheese casserole and biscuits. It was delicious – everyone said so. And the whole time I’m eating I feel nothing but guilt. Guilt for eating good food.
I felt guilty for eating turkey because vegetarians/vegans of the world (and maybe even Dr. Oz and Dr. Fuhrman) said eating meat is terrible for your health.
I felt guilty because I was eating something “white” — the potatoes. You know those white foods are the devil in disguise and they cause diabetes.
I felt guilty for eating corn, because corn isn’t technically a vegetable and it’s starchy and it’s more than likely GMO corn which means I’m going to turn into an alien.
I felt guilty eating the broccoli-rice-cheese casserole because it contained Cheez Whiz, which is not technically a food, but something created by a chemical company to look like food.
So this has been riding on my mind the entire week — all this guilt for eating “bad” food — and I haven’t been able to make a decision on what to eat all week. I haven’t made dinner all week. My husband had some leftovers, my son ate chicken nuggets. I ate thinly sliced wheat bread with some peanut butter. And I felt guilty for eating that.
And I’ve gained a pound this week.
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